I’m still breathing, but does that mean I’m still living? Do I even deserve an answer to that question? I’m here; alive, yet I’m not sure if I want to be. Is this truly living though? I’m so broken and hurt inside it doesn’t even feel like I’m really here. Why should it anyways? of course no one is going to answer me. It seems there are no answers. Or at least, I don’t deserve to know them. So here I am broken yet breathing, waiting and wishing for answers that will never come. . .
I suppose I should tell you the truth. By now I’m not even quite sure if I know what that means. The lies come so easily at present. It wasn’t always like that though. There was one time that I would nearly always tell the truth, but that time is long past. Due to certain circumstances the lies I told became second nature almost. Soon they were necessary and I couldn’t stop myself. They just became so easy to tell. I believe it was better because of them.
I realized if I didn’t want people to ask me questions, I would just lie to them and they would leave me alone. Perhaps it was wrong, but I didn’t know what else to do. I simply bottled everything up, and hid my troubles and pains deep inside. Unbeknownst to me, that hurt me more than I could ever imagine; tearing up my insides, attempting to escape. I didn’t realize that hiding away my feelings and pretending they weren’t there, would injure me. Comprehend though that I didn’t know what else to do, I was a lost and lonely soul.
Every time someone would ask me how I was, the automatic answer was a cheerful ‘good’ accompanied with a fake smile. I couldn’t let them see how much life was hurting me. So I simply lived a lie, keeping the curious and worried looks away from myself. No questions were asked, and I preferred it that way. I hated the questions posed to me; when I was even half truthful, for I couldn’t seem to come up with adequate answers for any of them. It proved too hard for me; hence all the lies.
It became a routine, granted a detrimental and injurious routine. Despite this I couldn’t seem to break it. Honestly I didn’t even want to. Either that or wasn’t desirous for it to end. I also didn’t realize that I was tearing myself up. I was breaking myself while not even fathoming what I was doing. So I suppose that all this is really my fault isn’t it. Well don’t you agree? Go ahead and reprimand me for doing all the wrong things.
However was it really wrong? I suppose thats the real question. I am not sure of the answer, it’s not clear to me. I don’t really care either; perhaps thats makes me seem selfish and a little cold. Then so be it! It matters not to me anymore. I am long past the point of caring.
They all said they would be there if I needed them. Yet I have been let down so many times. I think that was a lie also; they weren’t there for me when I did. And where are they now? No where to be found. I was abandoned and forsaken. That hurt so much I can still feel the wound smarting, I was betrayed. The only people I trusted, let me down, stabbed me in the back, watched me bleed and told me I was fine. So see, I wasn’t that misguided. I simply observed and then practiced what I learned.
So why am I still so absolutely and utterly miserable? Do I have a valid reason to be so sad? Perhaps not, but that is what I am. Hating every minute of my pitiful existence. With nothing to do for it. This isn’t what living is supposed to be like is it? Not able to ever fix your mistakes, never know the feeling of forgiveness. I have made too many mistakes, to be forgiven, done so much wrong I can’t find my way back. Pushed away those who would of helped me. Hurt those people who wanted to heal me.
That is the only thing I am capable of now, hurt, pain. Causing others and myself it. Fate has decided to deem me as its tool. My main function being the bringing of pain. I don’t want to hurt others, or myself for that matter. At this point it seems irrepressible, I inflict it without even meaning to or wanting to. It invariably happens to everyone around me, and I am the cause of it. Therefore isn’t it right that I deserve pain to match theirs? Perhaps this is my punishment, it is indeed a suitable and deserved one.
Its all so wrong. Or so I’ve been told, don’t know what it means anymore, can’t contemplate right and wrong; good and evil. Those words seems so meaningless if you really think about it. Defined as they are by other’s opinions. I don’t care if its wrong, bad, because I don’t know what else to do. Nor how else to handle it all. If someone is offended by what I do than that is their choice. Can’t be trusted to do anything right. My fault. I just screw everything up, including my life. Not even my best was good enough.
Slowly spiraling into decay, I think that what my life is doing now. It keeps getting worse and worse, continues to hurt me, as my will to live deteriorates. I don’t know how to fix it, there is meaning in life now, only despair, hurt, pain, torture, and misery. I am content with being contrite, not sure if that is a lie or not, definitely a paradox. Too often I have just wanted to end it. Discontinue what I have to keep going through everyday, while absolutely hating it. No more anything; no emotions, lies, hiding, just the bliss that a dreamless sleep brings.
Everything seems so pointless now, hopeless, worthless, aimless, ceaseless, changeless, lifeless. I am so tired of it, because I can’t seem to find a valid reason to live. Can’t fix it all, make everyone else happy. Its all a heart crushing, gut wrenching LIE! And hell it sucks! Lies, I believe that is all life consists of, I mean if you really think about, there are countless examples. Its the only way I know how to survive. Everyone lies so why shouldn’t I? Can’t make sense of my suffering, comprehend my unhappiness. It remains the only viable option.
Of course this is all to be taken in stride. It just renews the feeling that I’m not really here, or shouldn’t be. I can’t even find my place. Don’t know what I’m doing anymore, just acting the motions I suppose. I feel disembodied, like I’m living a nightmare, its simply to horrible to be a dream. So damn screwed up its isn’t even laughable. I grown weary of it. Tired of the deception and untruth. Unwanted memories plague my thoughts. I can’t escape them. Torturing me with my own mistakes.
Give me a reason to live, any reason, I am not saying that this means I will actually listen. Instead, think of it as simply hearing you out. Because I can’t find one adequate enough anymore. Honestly I don’t really want to. I don’t need a reason, because I don’t need to live, I’m not that important. Still go ahead, try to convince me, not like it’s going to change anything. I gave that up long ago. Due to the fact that I had no intention of holding onto it. I will be surprised if you can change how I feel, I think even I have lost that power. Go ahead, do your worst. Make me assume I am worth something, that I do indeed deserve to live. Tell me you care and want me here. Feed me those lies I’m tired of hearing.
It would be much better if I were forgotten, left to die, never seen again. The world would be so much better without me screwing it over. I contribute nothing, except perhaps misery. I don’t mind that I’m ‘supposed’ to stay here. Why should what other’s think keep me chained to this world. I am not afraid of death. I know it would welcome me into its arms, like a lost friend your seeing for the first time in a long while. Or a much needed release. It takes away all of the misery, hurt, pain, regret, disappointment, lies, everything. I’m not happy here, so why should I stay? Only for the benefit of others, that isn’t understandable to me.
Couldn’t stop hurting myself, and others around me by my actions. Its too late for anyone to fix me. So why shouldn’t I end it, forget, fade away, as everything does in time. Living isn’t a privilege its a punishment. And I can’t take it anymore. My most fervent wish is for it all to end. Can’t go on anymore doing the same thing. The repetition and monotony drag me down, bind me. More than anything I need these chains broken, too long they have held me here. Imprisoning my soul and heart. The constant struggle against them has torn me apart. The scars and blood of past wounds which will never fade.
I want to escape, relinquish what little hold I still have on life, sanity, happiness. That which I didn’t deserve or want. Before I lose everything, such as the ability to experience emotions. Perhaps more accurately, reality, to take in those things that are happening and be able to do something about them, process them. Instead of holding to the perception that my life is simply is rushing onward and leaving me behind. The apathy is dominating me, and I have no control over anything, not realizing the mistakes I’m making. I feel like someone else is living my life, that I’m not really here, can’t sense anything I should, overcome by a sense of disassociation. Maybe its all an illusion, if so why can’t I end it? Especially when my head is screaming at me to do something, I just don’t know what, not able to figure it out.
The pieces of my life are falling apart and the cracks are starting to show. Its too late for redemption. I can’t go back now. I’ve been torn into pieces and can’t put them back together, and why bother just to have myself broken once again. I don’t think I can take it anymore, I’ve been broken one too may times.
The higher you fly the farther you have to fall. Soon you find yourself falling not able to resist the force of gravity. Crashing into the harsh, unforgiving ground below. The impact can shatter you, in body and spirit, break you into tiny pieces. Then somehow impossibly, your supposed to get back up, walk on. Not only fighting against your injuries, but death itself. Its cold grip binds you to the ground, caught in its grasp, you have to fight to stay alive, while struggling against a cloud of misery. It will do everything to capture you, take you. The hopelessness and hurt grips your heart, reaching out with shadowy fingers intent on crushing your very soul. The life slowly ebbs out of you, as life giving blood pools on the ground. Your very breath is taken from you. You are barely able to go on, the desire to give in overpowering. So why bother resisting?
Walking out of everyone’s else’s life just like they walked out of mine. I’m not leaving only ending what never should have been.
